I can't believe my family...this is honestly a new low for them,

All I wanted was to celebrate my mother's birthday. I've been looking forward to it for weeks. I waited and waited...at the same time I was doing this design competition, which unfortunately ended on my mother's birthday. I was thought, that isn't really so bad, at least I can go for the dinner that night. I love my mom, she's the only person in this godforsaken desert who at least I think tried to love me back. But sometimes I wonder. It's a terrible thing when a child is unsure of one's parents love. My father I definitely hate, I've long since given up on him. There was this line in one of VC Andrews books I read which made sense...

"...once they broke their vows to each otherm they lost their credibility with me..."

Perfection is Ideal

But is not the best form of perfection, imperfection?

I can't stand people!!! they're like an apple, completely rotten inside, but oh so deceptively perfect outside.

Why can't people just be who they are!!!!

Don't say one thing, but with the intent of another...I hate people, its not possible to trust any of them, not even your own family...

Ha!! family's the worse of the lot!!!!! my god!!! are they not the ones you can trust!!! the ones who will always hold your hand and believe in you thick and thin!!!! mother, father, brother, sister...

the perfect liars are those whom you do not expect to be lied from...perfection for them. They can lie all they want, and be guaranteed that we will believe them...perfect...

I'm beating around the bush, let's get to the point of my stupid ramblings

I finally had a freeday (basically today saturday 04.03.06) after almost over a month of non-stop work. I wanted to get away from all people in general, especially after what happened last time with my 'so called friends'. I wanted to hang out with the one person who I believed would never take advantage of me as everyone else, including my parents, does. Instead I realised the minute after our movie at Utama, that in reality she wanted me to take her out so that she can hang out with HER friends.

Talk about being duped. I was so mad at her, I just left her in Utama and came home. I didn't even want to look at her...how can people be so god damn decieving. Lying sons of bitches.

There is just no more truth in this world. No more trust. And anybody who is nice to you, obviously wants something in return or from you. What has happened to us that we cannot trust another, tell the truth or be friends. I mean if you wanted an alibi to go out with your friends, then SAY SOMETHING!!!!!! don't make me find out later.

I probably wouldn't be so mad if my sister told me she needed an alibi, I would have been angry for a bit, but as my sister, and knowing our parents, I would have helped. Instead, she duped me...

Never again will I trust another soul...because...

Everybody Lies

Have you ever noticed  two faced people are in this world. Yes I know it's a known fact, but admit it, YOU DO IT TO . . .

I mean, you know that people are two faced, and you accept the theory, but it's hard to apply that people would ever be two faced to you. But never mind that, who cares that there are two faced people around, I mean...it's ok right?!? I mean you can always go to your family who YOU know will NEVER betray you, NEVER stab you in the back, NEVER leave you alone, and of course will ALWAYS support. And cause they know you best they would know when to say what at the right time...isn't this the idea?!?

FAMILY = FOREVER TRUST = UNDERSTANDING

then why am I not seeing it...

Friends on the other hand....





ho ho ho....friends...such an interesting word;

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.

Basically, a friend is someone you can trust...lol. Must be just me, but i'm beginning to think that either i'm attracting the wrong friends, or the idea of friends is a myth. Is it though?!?

From my experience, friends are always around to be made, always aroud to put your trust into. I mean, my principles are heavily based on friends; No matter what, I will always be there for a friend, doesn't matter the level of friendship, a true friend is always there to listen, to help, to support, to understand and stick by you faitfully with always the belief your friend is likely right. Yes they may be wrong on occassion, but a friend will always openly help them into a better person whilst never changing who they essentially are...

Yeah, there's lots of other things i believe are attatched to the idea of friend, but you get the idea. So why is it that every friend, minus the few pet sisters I do have (and there is a reason why not everybody is my pet sister) always seem to find raw wounds which they like to rub salt in or even make new ones?!?

I especially love how some of these friends enjoy playing behind your back for personal reasons. I know that by now, i'm definitely phobiac (i know that is not a word) about back stabbing. It's amazing how many times a person can get stabbed in the back before breaking, going two ways, either ignoring ALL people to preserve what skin we can, or break into their mould....becoming just like them just to survive. That's just like the saying though:  "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em".

I am so tired and sad at how this world has become. Does it have to be human nature that to preserve ourselves, we need to become cruel? If we were talking about the meaning of life here whilst including a God; does that mean we are put on this earth to be cruel to one another? I believe being cruel is a step one must learn to overcome, it's one of the most difficult steps, but one well worth in the end. I can say I have never attained it, but I did attempt. To me, overcoming cruelty is not a matter of doing, but a matter of understanding. How can you say I am not cruel when at the same time you are condeming someone else? To not be cruel does help if an education is there, to better understand humanity. Learning about others, make it easier to then ask yourselves, through a thorough understanding of their situation and how they think, "how would I like it if someone did that to me?".

Indeed . . . how . . .





Look at their tears, look behind their masks, what are they really thinking, and how do they honestly feel about what you are doing . . .



Difficult huh . . . sounds easy, but trust me, not the easiest



You know, I had a friend...she's always telling me, "Jo, how can you do that?" "Jo, how can you say that?" "Jo, how can you do that?" "Jo, do you know what you did hurt someone?" "Jo, did you purposely do that?" "Jo, you're wrong, why won't you accept what I have said" (basically saying for this last question, accept all the critics I tell you, and change 100%)...can a human being be that wrong about everything?!?!?

Trust me, I heard everything she said, and yes, I did alter myself to suit them better. Trust me again, that was the wrong move. Recently (after two loooooooooong years), I asked a few previous and current close honest friends the same type of questions of what I did wrong back then. They're only reply was this:  "Jo, I've never known you to be mean" "Yeah, I know you have a temper, but you've never intentionally hurt someone" "You don't usually go into a temper without good reason, it usually takes a lot of goadign for that, I mean I haven't seen you as mad as this when Nelson called your mom a slut" "Jo, you're a nice person, don't change..."

Yes, I know I have the capacity to be mean, but I have another principle I've developed; because I've seen first hand the cruelty of an extremely vindictive person, and a few others not so, but quite...I would never do unto others what they did unto me...

That's just...cruel...

What should I do...I've decided there's nothing to be done, I grew up differently to alot of these people. We think completely different (trust me, they don't believe me when I say I truly did not know, cause I truly did not know, I asked a friend of similar background, would you know? She did not) and they are unwilling to accept me, mostly cause I am a minority of 1. Most of these 'so-called' friends wanted me to 'learn a lesson, because I did not have communication skills and would not be able to handle myself when working' (i was unaware of the fact it was a lesson of course until i picked this fact out of this girl). I considered, I though, then i concluded, "If you don't want me in the group, just say so, don't cover it over in this "I am an angel here to save you" mask".

What do you say to these kinds of people, a people so different and not exposed, that they're unfortunately to me, appear like a country bumpkin who supported Paulie, Paula...paul something or other, you know the who cause the racist upheaval in australia, due to lack of education. I mean she said they didn't need us Asians cause we're just leaching of them or something like that, (don't quote me on this, I'm generalising), think about it, without us Asians, they're economy will sink, we're the closest countries to them, without us, ther'll be not enough tourism, expensive trade and therefore fresh financial input into the country. Serious, the people I currently work with remind me of those bumpkins, some even of Paula, Paulie, something or other, herself!!!

I have a handful of people I would trust complicitly; my pet sisters of course *brackets are the nick names I have for them*:

1. Aizat Izyani Mujab (Tazzy, Dizzy Tizzy)
2. Christina Yap (Tiny Tina, Itty Bitty)
3. Jessica Wang
4. Vikki Chan
5. Rachel [from murdoch, sorry girl, I honestly forgot you sirname, just know though that you're still my favourite]
6. Lisa Knight
7. Kitty Chan

As you can see, none of my family members even come close to climbing onto this list. Now this group of people...

Father: A bigamist who just can't seem to keep his dick and his ego in his pants. Also an old fashion fogey who prefers his sons, and I bet if possible would rather all his daughters simply marry into good connections and never utter a word louder then a whisper. A wonderful father (notice the sarcasm) who is married to one woman, then marring again twice (one of which is divorced by the time of the second), has kids, who had at the age of 12 (mostly me) found out about being a bastard via a birth certificate anonymously sent through the mail, and at the same time realising that she had a half-brother, at the same time, that our wonderful father (notice again the sarcasm) has while married, not only married one and divorced her, then slept with our mom, but has at the same time (he had to have the wonderful number of 4) slept with another woman. 2 years later, realised he was sleeping with another woman (making it 5) to a girl who is roughly only oh ever so slightly older then me...*shock*. During our happy years together he had the temerity to scream and scold me just because I voiced an opinion, or was not happy with a particular injustice set to me. Unfortunately for me I have absolutely no control over my tears, especially when angry, therefore eventhough properly said, a person only shouts when they know they are wrong, you'll still see me crying as if i believe them to be right...haiks i hate these eyes of mine...oh woe is me...hmmp

Mother: a forgetful twit who loves to put the blame on others...quote "i NEVER lose anything". Not only that, when things don't go her way, starts screaming at people, or even walking out in the middle of an argument then forgetting it completely, thus meaning, nothing is settled, and only grows. Then to her, it's like (due to our (the kdis) suspicions because of dad's beautiful complaints and harping to her at night) she gives up on us. She won't even try to find out what is wrong, she immediately says we are in the wrong without even asking. To her, we're hopless and she gives up with us. Dont' you love our parents, not only do they talk behind your back and come up with conclusions, which i may say, are completely not true, but they don't even trust or support us, to them, we're always wrong. Funny when people point out we're not then they can only keep silent...but then not even an apology. They set a fine example for us *once more, sarcasm*